How Stacy McCain became irresistible to women

by CynthiaYockey on March 10, 2009

It was a balmy, sunny day at Rehobeth Beach, Delaware, and Stacy McCain was walking on the sparkling beach when he spied a dark metal handle of something that looked like a gravy boat sticking up out of the sand. He pulled it out for closer examination.

As Stacy brushed off the sand and rubbed it to reveal the intricate designs chased into its sides, suddenly there was a clap of thunder and a cloud of smoke came pouring out of the ornately designed object. The smoke formed into a genie, who was the spitting image of Barbara Eden, clad in diaphanous harem pants and a skimpy bikini top that barely contained her ginormous breasts.

Once she had completely materialized, the genie quickly got her bearings and fixed her gaze on Stacy’s eyes, although I can’t say he returned the compliment by looking back at hers. Nevertheless, in a kindly voice she said to Stacy, “You have freed me from the lamp where I have been trapped for a thousand years. To thank you, I will grant you three wishes.”

“Genie,” he said, “I want every man to envy me.”

The genie crossed her arms and bobbed her head — it’s amazing how accurately “I Dream of Jeannie” depicted this phenomenon — and instantly Stacy was dressed head-to-toe in Armani and seated in a brand-new red Lamborghini MurciΓ©lago LP640. [Cultural note: gay men envy the clothes, straight men envy the car.]

Stacy is an ambitious and prudent man and did not have to think twice about his second wish. “Genie,” he said, “make me such a successful writer that I have a multi-billion dollar portfolio in tax-free bonds, real estate and gold. No stocks, please, because Obama hasn’t finished destroying the U.S. economy.”

Once more, the voluptuous genie crossed her arms and bobbed her head and poof!, all the documentation of Stacy’s new wealth and fame appeared appeared in his hands in a gold-embossed, leather portfolio.

After examining the portfolio’s contents for several minutes with great satisfaction, Stacy knew there was only one more thing he could desire to make his happiness complete.

“What is your final wish?,” the buxom genie asked, crouching a little in hopes of meeting Stacy’s eyes with her own.

“I want you to make me irresistible to women,” Stacy replied complacently.

The beautiful genie grinned, folded her arms in front of her ginormous breasts and gave her head the magic bob, and then poof! turned Stacy into a box of chocolates.

Clarification: The beautiful genie turned our dear studly Stacie into Godiva’s LARGEST AND FINEST box of chocolates, the 140-piece gold ballotin, available here.

Update: Welcome, Instapundit readers! I am all aflutter — my first Instalanche! Glenn said at CPAC he is seeking lesbians and gays with a closet full of assault rifles — I’m still looking for my junior NRA certificate proving I earned my Expert Sharpshooter medal, the second highest level in the program, and I hope that will do for a start!

Update: Welcome, The Other McCain readers! My first shellacking from Stacy McCain! Really, I just want to thank all the little people who made this possible!

Update: Welcome, Little Miss Attila readers! Please help me out — I have a question about her observation here, “I accept that traditionalist Christian belief that gay men and lesbians are called to celibacy, though deep down I cannot quite get myself to agree.” Does this mean that girl-on-girl porn should only performed by straight women according to the Bible? Or is it OK if it’s just lesbians kissing?

Follow conservativelez on Twitter

Peg C. March 11, 2009 at 5:04 am

So true it hurts. πŸ˜‰ Except for the bad effects, most women would choose chocolate over sex every time.

Fascinating how straight women are usually with men who dress like 12-yr-old boys. My husband would rather boil in oil than spend much on his wardrobe, and I’d have left him already if he spent more on clothes than I do. But he spends tons on cars and I put up with it. And we skip the chocolate and put out to make them happy. πŸ™‚

Robert Stacy McCain March 11, 2009 at 5:54 am

Godiva. The large package.

W.A. Jacobson March 11, 2009 at 8:14 am

This Is What Happens When McCain’s Rule 2 Goes Too Far. A link alone would have gotten you some traffic. You need to learn how to hold back a little, and keep him wanting more.

Joy McCann March 11, 2009 at 10:48 am

Well done–I still have to finish backtracking on the rest of your debate.

I am one of those rare women who doesn’t always prefer chocolate to other flavors (when it comes to ice cream, for example). But a Godiva truffle, or a See’s soft center, rarely sounds like a bad idea.

Stacy’s a good guy. I’ll never be a “real conservative” in the way that he is, but he does mean well–and he’s even capable of some kick-ass analysis when he drops the “good old boy” act. Mostly, though, he lives to introduce people to each other. As you may have noticed!

Congrats on the Instalanche, Dear!

Firehand March 11, 2009 at 11:29 am

You owe me a keyboard, dammit.

Cynthia Yockey March 11, 2009 at 4:40 pm


I have the solution to your problem, my dear — it’s not ROKLOL (Rolling on Keyboard, Laughing Out Loud), it’s ROFLOL, (Rolling On FLOOR Laughing Out Loud)!

Thanks πŸ˜‰ , and come back soon!


Obi's Sister March 12, 2009 at 5:08 pm


Comments on this entry are closed.

{ 7 trackbacks }

Previous post:

Next post: