Pattymelt is my favorite dish

by CynthiaYockey on March 13, 2009

I have been pining to have me some more of that saucy Pattymelt, who wrote an absolutely hilarious post for HillBuzz during the 2008 campaign and today, Friday the 13th, is my LUCKY day because she’s baa-aaa-ack!!! on the pixels of HillBuzz, the Hillary PUMA (Party Unity My Ass!) site written by some nice young moderate Democratic gay men in Chicago who poured their hearts and bank accounts out campaigning for Sarah Palin and John McCain (in that order). I totally, totally LOVE the HillBuzz boys and have posts planned on their courage and integrity and love of Sarah Palin.

Here’s a taste of Patricia Melton, aka Pattymelt, president-for-life of the Mineral City Coffee Club, from today:

This morning, the Coffee Club ladies and I discussed Iceland’s meltdown, while sipping Anne’s vile Icelandic Meltdown international coffee (or, in my case, pouring that swill into the artificial ficus Earl’s mother gave me one Christmas, because the woman is THAT CHEAP). Grace, my best friend, in her role as Club Vice President, directed our attention to the various charts and graphs she brought, showing just how ridiculous it was for a small and independent fishing nation to splurge so much of its national treasure on grandiose projects with little chance of practical success.  The pie charts were especially good, and edible, as Grace has, as of late, become quite the fan of Ace of Cakes on TV (and now uses her oven and various fondants the way most people use Kinko’s and Xerox).  There was one chart, in particular, that I believe would have accurately described Iceland’s foreshadowing of America’s own coming financial disaster related to Obama’s recent Trillions-of-Dollars-Spending-Spree, but Grace, unfortunately, used blueberry as her medium, and while the rest of us were distracted by something adorable three of the cat-babies were doing (Mister Sniffles, Mister Giggles, and Mister Waffles, who, all in a row, each put either their paws on their eyes, their mouth, or their ears, like those hear no evil, see no evil, eat no evil monkeys, and Anne started a squabble because she said the cat-babies were all racists, because thinking about, talking about, or saying anything looks like a monkey is racist, even if the cat-babies doing whatever looks like monkeys are actually black cat-babies, or at least a mixed black and white cat-baby, like Mr. Waffles is), that particular pie chart just vanished into thin air. I, of course, knowing better, immediately went down into the basement where Earl keeps most of his trains (he calls the basement “Earlsylvania,” his own private domain where he claims I have no powers, and I remind him he has no sense or grasp of reality). There, I found an empty pie tin, and blueberry all over Earl’s face. “The elves did it.  I don’t know anything about any pie. The elves ate the pie and then framed me for it,” he claimed, knowing full well I didn’t believe him, because if the elves of Mineral City ate as much pie as Earl insisted, there sure would be a whole lot of bloated, diabetic elves not existing at all in Mineral City because they are imaginary.

I don’t spend all that much time in Earlsylvania, visiting my husband’s miniature HO scale world in the basement typically only when I’m upset with him and need to hide some of his little people to feel better (“Why no, Earl, I didn’t kidnap your miniature Cub Scout Troop Jamborie and hide them under the magazine rack. It must have been those elves, all hopped up on pie again, looking for mischief.”) So, I hadn’t been down there in months, and was shocked at all the changes to Earlsylvania in that time.

Read the rest here.

Here is what made Pattymelt my favorite dish: Read “Battle Stations!” about the Democratic and Republican ladies’ coffee clubs in Ohio that mobilized to fight Obama and get out the vote for McCain/Palin, posted on Nov. 3, 2008, by Patricia Melton. (Caution: dryness-and-choking hazard-rated PFNFODWR, i.e., “pee first, no food or drink while reading.”)

Also a treat: “Barack Obama on ‘The View’ ” by Patricia Melton’s on HillBuzz — timeless reading here, also rated PFNFODWR.

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