April 1, 2010 — Topeka, Kansas — Westboro Baptist Church leader, Fred Phelps, announced today at a hastily-called press conference that he is a proud gay man. Phelps’ church is infamous for its daily protests against homosexuality in its hometown of Topeka, Kansas, and across the U.S.
“I tried to hate the gay out of everyone else,” Phelps told reporters with tears streaming down his face, “but what I was really trying to do was hate the gay out of me. I told myself a thousand times a day that “God hates fags” to make myself straight. I made “God Hates Fags dot com” my church’s main domain name and its founding faith to make myself straight. I married and fathered 13 children to make myself straight. And yet still I was a fag.
“I found out that gays would counter-protest when we picketed ‘The Laramie Project’ and Gay Pride festivals.” Phelps continued, looking down and smiling through his tears. “I began to live for those days so I could gaze at those handsome men and their muscular bodies. Pride festivals were the best because so many of the men wear tight shorts and go shirtless. That’s when I would hold my protest signs at waist level so no one could see how I really felt about them. Some of the men had such a powerful effect on me that my knees would buckle. I would have to pretend I was kneeling and praying on purpose for God’s rod and staff to comfort me when all I really wanted was to press my lips against all the rods bulging in those men’s pants and feel their staffs inside me. No one ever knew the secret thrill I got from the explicit images of gay sex on our posters or why I spent so many hours alone looking at all the photos I took at Gay Pride parades and festivals.
Phelps, who is 80, told reporters that he will have to face God soon and could not go on living a lie.
“As of today,” Phelps concluded, “the Westboro Baptist Church is out of the hate business. As a sign of my contrition for all the hurt I’ve caused and the lives I’ve destroyed, I have signed over all my church’s property and assets to the Metropolitan Community Church of Topeka. I plan to spend my days volunteering for the Topeka AIDS Project and my nights learning the words to every song Judy Garland and Ethel Merman ever sang.”
I am so sad that it is april fool’s day.
Any other day… I don’t say it ain’t true, but any other day… you know Fred couldn’t really have written that statement. It’s too dark to write well that far back in the closet…
.-= richard mcenroe´s last blog ..Congressman worried Navy will sink Guam… =-.
I hate April Fool’s Day. I just wasted time I could have spent reading *real* news, which I don’t have enough time to keep up with as I should.
Now going back to Twitter to bitch at the person who sent this link w/out marking it as a joke, damn it. This isn’t your problem, since you’re certainly entitled to engage in such pranks if you wish; it’s mine since I hate wasting my time.
Julie Anne Burton,
I LOVE April Fool’s Day. It it the one day of the year I get to write something I wish were true and get away with it because THE ENTIRE DAY IS THE DOMAIN OF PRANKSTERS.
How did you NOT notice “April 1, 2010 — Topeka, Kansas” in the lede? Also — everyone who read this and got a laugh out of it considered it time well-spent. You could have, too, and chose not to.
Cynthia
This made me laugh out loud, Cynthia, but found it so late on April Fool’s Day that I linked it on Good Friday. God forgive me, a miserable sinner….heheh
.-= retriever´s last blog ..Friday Links =-.
hahaha very funny…..
This was funny.. 🙂
I was halfway through it when I realized the date of the posting..
.-= Dave C´s last blog ..About Those "Angry Mobs" =-.
Actually, this is a fairly brilliant piece of satire, perfectly timed for April 1. Nicely played!!
I knew it! I knew it all along!
This may well be truer that one would think at first glance. If one goes back to the days of segregation and looks at those old black and white photos of the riots against black equality or the pics of the crowds at the lynchings one notices something. The most hate filled faces have the traces of what was once called “a touch of the tarbrush”.
While we do not use that phrase anymore it was true then that those people feared their secret would come out so they overcompensated. Is this the same thing in Phelps? Dunno but it’s as logical an explanation as any and more logical than most.
.-= Peter´s last blog ..Grimmest Economic News Yet! =-.
Peter,
THANK YOU!!!
Yes, the more vehemently someone denounces lesbians, gays and homosexuality, the more likely it is that they are homosexual. The pose fools a lot of straight people, but not us.
Cynthia