Washington, D.C., April 1 — U.S. President Barack Obama has resigned after confessing to treason. Obama named his co-conspirators and the FBI has taken all but one into custody in undisclosed locations.
Obama told FBI investigators that his primary co-conspirators were Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn. He revealed that they have spent the last 40 years devising a master plan for collapsing the U.S. economy by overwhelming it with taxes, debt and new spending programs. Obama also named as a primary co-conspirator billionaire investor George Soros, and said that it was market manipulations by Soros that began the financial meltdown in September when Obama was trailing the McCain-Palin ticket in the polls.
So far Obama has refused to name his al Quaeda handlers, who communicated with him through the Blackberry PDA he insisted on keeping after becoming president despite warnings that no such device can be kept secure.
Obama also named as co-conspirators Vice President Joseph Biden (first in line of succession to the presidency); House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (second in line of succession to the presidency); Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid; Senate Banking Committee Chairman Christopher Dodd; Senator Robert Byrd (who is also the Senate president pro tempore and third in line of succession to the presidency); House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank; Senior Advisor David Axelrod; his former chief campaign manager, David Plouffe; and his White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel. Emanuel has disappeared and is thought to have escaped to Israel disguised as a Chasidic woman.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is fourth in the order of succession to the presidency. She was sworn in as the first woman president of the United States by Chief Justice of the United States John Roberts in a small private ceremony in the FBI Building in Washington, D.C., at 7 am this morning. Her husband, former president Bill Clinton, and daughter Chelsea Clinton, witnessed the ceremony along with all the other members of the Supreme Court and a camera crew from C-SPAN.
Members of the White House press corps refused to cover Clinton’s swearing in and instead barricaded themselves in the White House press room, sobbing and smashing furniture.
Following her swearing in, President Clinton released a statement reassuring the citizens of the United States and the world that she can “hit the ground running” and “will work to reverse the destructive policies of the Obama administration.” President Clinton also said she is putting terrorists around the world on notice that “there’s a tough new sheriff in town who is determined to keep the United States safe.”
Within five minutes of the release of Clinton’s statement, all the stock markets around the world that were open began to rise sharply. Wall Street followed suit as soon as it opened for trading.
President Clinton will address the nation for one hour tonight starting at 8 pm, ET. Her speech will be carried by ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, Fox News, CNN and PBS.
MSNBC will not carry the president’s speech and instead will air retrospectives on the careers of its news anchors Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews, who held hands and leapt from the top floor of NBC’s headquarters in New York City around 8 am. In a tragic coincidence, they landed on CBS news anchor Katie Couric and ABC news anchor Charlie Gibson. All four were declared dead at the scene.
Update: Thank you, Stephen Gordon, and welcome, readers of The Liberty Papers!
Update: Prof. William A. Jacobson has a round-up of April Fool’s news links, including this one, at his esteemed blog, Legal Insurrection.
Update: HillBuzz has seen the light about Obama and says, “He really is ‘The One’ after all.” At least for today.
Update: Thank you, Lance, and welcome readers of Troglopundit.
Update: Welcome, readers of Paco Enterprises — I love the April Fool’s post there, too!
Update: Welcome, Protein Wisdom readers and thank you, Dan, king of minimalism! How’s Annette?
Update: Michelle Malkin played a great April Fool’s prank here and asked her readers to submit theirs, and I’m one of her faithful readers, so this is mine — oh, it has been picked in Romania, or some other country with a Cyrillic alphabet (I’m not making that up).
Cynthia,
This is a great post, but a harrowing one.
I’m almost shaking too much to type.
Maybe it’s just cold in here.
Thanks,
Chris
Favorite parts:
“Emanuel has disappeared and is thought to have escaped to Israel disguised as a Chasidic woman.”
And that last paragraph!
Dear ShortFormBlog:
Regarding your complaint and post that “April Fool’s jokes about politics aren’t funny”: Actually, the mental picture I got of your consternation when you thought my headline was for real made me laugh until the tears ran down my face!
Schadenfreude rawks, dude!
Cynthia
Jill: Thank you for filling in that missing piece of the puzzle regarding Rahm Emanuel.
Who is going to direct and star in the movie version of this?
You’re already my favorite conservative lesbian blogger so far this year. My favorite part is that you don’t believe in the whole change your light bulbs change the weather nonsense. Also you are not a socialist. That goes a long way with me.
I found your page through Kevin at the Queer Conservative…Enjoyed the read about your life and experiences! And of course the Obama blasting…thanks! :)N
Nikki,
My thanks to you and to Kevin!
Cynthia
Cynthia I just discovered your blog thanks to William at Legal Insurrection. That is very funny and I really wish it was the truth.
I am not an American citizen. What is happening in your country right now is very disheartening. We also have a fool here by the name of Kevin Rudd. He should also “confess to treason”. 🙂
Maggie,
I am delighted you enjoyed my post and I am profoundly grateful to Prof. Jacobson for linking it. He is always erudite and funny and adds valuable perspectives and insights you can’t find anywhere else. Which, now that I think of it, I should tell him directly.
Cynthia
Like a cool refreshing breeze….for one brief moment I remembered what a country with a vestige of sanity looked like! Thank you.
hey , i really like you ,but ad’s for ann coulter,it’s just insulting.
Protesting ads on Ann Coulter? Chill out. Maybe it’s like they say in the Godfather movie–it’s nothing personal, just business.
So Anne, the 17-year-old white girl in Hawaii, had her identity changed in the book to “Ann,” the 13-year-old black girl in Georgia. This protects the late Davis from being prosecuted for statutory rape in Georgia, but it has little to no bearing on Barry’s parentage.
The person posting as “Mark,” is Mark Davis, Frank’s son and Barry’s half-brother. Mark was trained in deception and psy-ops by the Air Force; he is trying to use those techniques on readers of this blog.
Ffred,
The assertion I read was that Davis boasted in “Sex Rebel” of molesting a 12-year-old white girl named Ann along with the speculation that the girl was Stanley Ann Dunham. Then I pointed out that in real life — not Davis’s book — Stanley Ann Dunham became pregnant out-of-wedlock at the age of 17 by a married black man, Barack Hussein Obama, Sr. I don’t know what the statutory rape law was like in Hawaii in the early 1960’s, but it may have been used to persuade Obama, Sr., to marry Ms. Dunham. So — as far as I know, there was no changing of identity as you state in your first sentence.
Cynthia