Your handy 'Fire David Letterman' Kit, Part One

This is Part One of your handy “Fire David Letterman Kit,” complete with sample letters, mailmerge instructions and contact info. Here are the topics I plan to cover in the complete kit:

1. Why we are angry and our cause is just: videos and timeline of David Letterman’s offenses.
2. Overview of the tools to use to get David Letterman fired.
3. How to do a mailmerge
4. Table of contacts you can copy and paste into Word for your mailmerge data
5. Sample letters
6. Sample e-mails

Remember, there are four big reasons to get David Letterman fired:

1. David Letterman’s rape jokes about teen-age girls SHOULD end his career. The fact that he told them about the daughter of a politician he hates makes his offense a thousand times worse. And the fact that he compared that female politician to a “slutty flight attendant” adds several more orders of magnitude to his offense.
2. If we do not persuade CBS to fire Letterman over his bashing of teen-age girls and women, conservatives AND our candidates will be attacked by millions of his imitators. A stitch in time saves nine.
3. If we do not show our conservative leaders that we have their backs, the best and brightest of them will find other careers where their talents are welcomed. Likewise, when we show them the enemies they can defeat and the battles they can win with our loyal support, we are going to have more and better people happily working on our behalf.
4. You can transfer the winning skills and tenacity you learn in this fight to create victory for yourself and your loved ones in all the rest of the battles with corporations and bureaucrats you’ll face for the remainder of your life. Knowing you have this kind of power FEELS AWESOME!

Why we are angry:

First offense: on June 8, 2009, David Letterman attacked Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin with his “Top 10 Highlights of Sarah Palin’s Trip to New York,” characterizing her appearance as a “slutty flight attendant” look:

10. Visited New York landmarks she normally only sees from Alaska
9. Laughed at all the crazy-looking foreigners entering the U.N.
8. Made moose jerky on Rachael Ray
7. Keyed Tina Fey’s car
6. After a wink and a nod, ended up with kilo of crack
5. Made coat out of New York City rat pelts
4. Sat in for Kelly Ripa. Regis couldn’t tell the difference.
3. Finally met one of those Jewish people Mel Gibson’s always talking about
2. Bought makeup at Bloomingdale’s to update her “slutty flight attendant” look
1. Especially enjoyed not appearing on Letterman

The link to the video at CBS.com is here (in case the clip below is removed from YouTube) and here is the video from YouTube:

Second offense: Also on Monday, June 8, Letterman attacked Gov. Palin’s 14 year-old teenage daughter, Willow, who accompanied her to New York, by saying: “During the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez.” Here’s the video:

Third offense: On Tuesday, June 9, Letterman said, “The toughest part of her visit was keeping Elliot Spitzer away from her daughter.” (This comment suggests Gov. Palin’s daughter is a prostitute.) Here’s the video:

Fourth offense: On Wednesday, June 10, Letterman gave an insincere apology and claimed he intended to insult Gov. Palin’s 18-year-old daughter, Bristol, for having promiscuous sex, rather than Willow. Because that makes it all better.

Here is CBS’s video from YouTube of Letterman’s apology from Wednesday, June 10 — played for laughs:

If you feel too tired to write the letters and e-mails that will get David Letterman fired, you can watch any of these videos for the adrenalin that will fill you with the energy you need.

Coming in Part Two:

Overview of the tools to use to get David Letterman fired and how to use mailmerge.