Girls, girls, girls! This is a CONSERVATIVE Jell-o wrestling match and proper attire will be worn at all times!

OK, I did not think it would be up to me as a lesbian to have to gavel the conservative blogosphere back to to order regarding the upcoming Jell-o wrestling grudge match between Suzanne Logan (aka “Clever S. Logan) and Monique Stuart (aka HotMES), but I see that I must! Order! Order! This blogosphere must come to order!

My first item of business is to smack down Jimmy at the Sundries Shack and remind him that I called referee first, and clearly have the best claim to impartiality, so he will just have to be quicker off the mark next time.

In addition, I rule that Dave C. at the Point of a Gun has no authority to determine the materials and rules of battle — in affairs of honor, it is the challenged party who chooses the weapons, and they have done been chosen as strawbery Jell-o and whipped cream. That is my ruling as referee!

Oh, if you are just tuning in, conservative blogger Monique Stuart challenged fellow conservative blogger Suzanne Logan to a Jell-o wrestling match for the affections of Jason Mattera, aka “Big Sexy.” Both the date and the place were left to be determined.

Next, I selflessly volunteered to referee the match, since, as a lesbian, um, something about not caring which one of them is on top as long as their hot, tight, wet, sticky t-shirts were clinging to their heaving bosoms … where was I?

Oh, right, THEN, a corrupting influence got to Suzanne Logan, tempting her to move the wrestling match to Richmond to mark the occasion of its taxpayer revolt Tea Party, with the flimsy inducement of a t-shirt. Oh, and Instapundit just had to pick that time to link a story about the media ignoring the Tea Party protests while giving oodles to ACORN for what was really just an average day of thuggery for them.

Well, anyway, once t-shirts got into the fray, things didn’t so much go downhill as drop off a cliff like Wile E. Coyote holding an Acme anvil.

Logan decided she would go the full monty for the principles of fiscal conservatism that she holds dear, in order to be certain that the mainstream media would show up and cover the event, you know, because the FCC would FINE them for showing scantily-clothed conservative women Jell-o wrestling as a political protest but WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM letting them show looped clips of NAKED conservative women Jell-o wresting until the cows come home, which they do later and later these days thanks to daylight savings time. Oh, wait, dammit to hell! It’s the OTHER way around!

Anyway, Monique called Suzanne’s bet, because it turns out that both young ladies aspired to careers in the porn industry from an early age, thus showing what a truly Big Tent conservatism is, gathering together the full spectrum of fiscal and social conservatives with liberal sprinklings of, what else, libertarians.

[Judging from the number of hits I get here that stay ZERO seconds, the world is filled with porn-crazed loons who think “conservative” + “lesbian” in MY blog name = porn. So I gather that an even larger contingent would click “conservative” + “naked Jell-o wrestling.” (I am SO going to Google key phrase hell, although, really, that ship sailed the second I identified myself as a lesbian.)]

While I must praise Suzanne and Monique for their zeal, I am going to have to insist on a dress code for the Jell-o wrestling — thong bikinis, Spandex hot pants and skin-tight t-shirts. Note the omission of bras. If either contestant wears a bra, I will be FORCED by the rules to remove it on the spot! Also, while I see that it is popular to bring tea bags to these events, I must caution the contestants that I will not permit tea bagging in the ring.

My sympathies to Jason Mattera, “Big Sexy,” who must be as surprised as I am that he has been thus callously cast under the bus as Suzanne and Monique quest to fulfill their childhood dreams of celebrity in one another’s arms.

Last, but not least, to Stacy here and here, Moe here and here, and Stephen — simmer down, boys, simmer down.

Update: I will naming the judges from among the pool of candidates who have listed my blog in their Blogroll as, “A Conservative Lesbian.” Little Miss Attila was first and therefore I name her the head judge. I am not limiting the number of judges — write a comment below or send an e-mail to let me know about adding you to the list. Suzanne and Monique each may earn points toward the decision of winner by adding me to their Blogrolls, as above, with extra points to the one who can prove she was first.

Update: Monique, aka HotMES, was first to the Blogroll and is now officially ahead on points. I wonder what Suzanne will do to try to claim the lead?

Update: Instapundit and Michelle Malkin share their thoughts and photos of the taxpayer revolt Tea Parties around the U.S. at Pajamas TV here. The clip includes some excellent commentary by Macho Sauce YouTube sensation, AlonZo Rachel.

I did not realize before that Pajamas TV has a free level of access, so you can sample their wares, and the basic subscription of only $5 per month! ALSO, I love it that there are buttons underneath longer clips that let you click to particular segments so you are not forced to watch the whole clip for the part that interests you most. THAT. IS. AWESOME.

P.S.

To help Suzanne and Monique along in the careers of their childhood dreams, here’s some sage advice from Gypsy: