I received the following report this morning, Friday the 13th, on the dating scene in Manhattan from Cuban Diva BFF, who is straight and annoyed:
I’ve been stood up … again!
Well, maybe not exactly stood up, but close enough.
I was supposed to go on a blind date today, remember?
I was really excited, a date, out of nowhere, HE called ME and
invited me out on Friday night.HE — called, was nice, polite, cheerful, made plans, asked if the cell was were I wanted to be reached, said he would call later in the week to firm things up.
ME — got all primped up, colored my hair, planned ahead-got a manicure and pedicure (at discount Mon.-Wed. prices), shaved my legs, planned what to wear (fun, not corporate, or boring), stocked up on dessert and coffee — just in case he was nice enough to invite in after the successful date.
NOW — Friday morning. No confirmation. No call. Got a text message on 9:32 PM Wednesday, “hi !how was your day?” I hate text messaging. I hate scrolling through the numeric keypad in search of the right letter, which I inevitably scroll past, so I have to scroll even more times. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Besides, responding to him would mean that I would write ONE word — “Fine” — and it would cost 20 cents to send because I don’t have text messaging services on my phone.
So I did the next best thing — I researched how to send a message from my computer to his phone.
My response:
My day was good. And yours?
I don’t ever respond to text messages, but since you don’t know that,
I don’t want to seem like I’m ignoring you.
I’m at home and awake if you want to chat
(initial redacted)He calls, and instead of firming up plans for Friday, we spend 10 minutes discussing how I figured out how to send a text message from my computer.
My life is so, so sad. I will be dateless on a Friday night because I am text-messagingly-challenged.
Sigh.
Update: Clueless Man called Cuban Diva BFF at 8:48 pm tonight and did NOT leave a message. On account of having self-respect and a list of the qualities she wants in a beau — and since she is straight and has the privilege of marriage, what she wants in a husband — since THAT kind of treatment is not on the list, she did NOT pick up that phone.
And I, as a lesbian, applaud her fabulousness and standards, because if you are interested in someone and worth your salt, gosh darnit, you do all the simple things that go into making a good first impression, starting with calling and making your plans at least a few days in advance and then showing up at the appointed hour freshly bathed and wearing clean clothes and a pleasant smile. It is not too much ask. And anyone who cannot manage those simple things is an entire field of red flags.
Cut the guy some slack. Maybe he’s just inept. Guys get wrapped around the axle solving problems and remain oblivious to the subtext. OR maybe he’s afraid she’s just not into him and he’s doing counterproductive stuff because of those fears. Dating should be a means of getting to know someone, but the mind-games make that impossible until the third or fourth date. Directness is indicated.
Hey Steve,
I agree, directness IS indicated. If he made plans to see me Friday night, he should keep them, make alternate plans, or cancel, none of which he did. So instead of allowing us the opportunity to get to know each other through the third or forth date, he blew it.
All he really had to do was show up, which everyone knows accounts for 80 percent of all success.
I think that unless he’s got a backstory that’s something out of “Burn Notice,” you should cut your losses. If you’re feeling confrontational, and charitable, you could trot out all the things that you interpreted as mixed messages, then ask what he would make of it. Directness is a whole lot better than wondering. Most likely, there’s been some talking-past one another. Or worse, he’s expecting something that you could only discern via mind-reading.