Andrew Breitbart is NOT gay

by CynthiaYockey on February 14, 2011

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Although, for the dear innocent and guileless straight people who are asserting that you can tell our beloved Andrew is straight because he is married and has four children, claims like that just make gays and lesbians helpless with mirth. Really. That is ROFLOL, pants-wettingly funny. That’s because plenty of gays and lesbians marry and have children for the perks of heterosexuality and lead their gay lives on the down-low. Which is one of the very, VERY best reasons for gay marriage equality. It will rid our community of these predators and ensure straight people who marry get an honest-to-goodness straight spouse who truly desires them. Because when we can’t marry each other, we will marry you — in my head, I’m saying that with the same cadence Khrushchev used when he said, “We will bury you.” On account of I remember when that was the “evening news,” not “history.”

Oh, and if you’re wondering, we don’t ask for proof that someone is straight or gay because it’s an inner experience and cannot be proved. We go on your say so.

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  • Anonymous

    My first reaction to the headline is: So what? My reaction on reading the story is that back long before I had to retire, before I got enough seniority and cunning to avoid the periodic sweeps of the local parks, and other places where men degraded themselves with public sexual acts to the point where the county commissioners and various city father (and now mothers) would have us go through and make mass arrests.

    As an aside, you should have heard the moans and groans when such duty came up. I rejoiced when I became The Expert on DUIs and was free from such mundane tasks.

    So we’d go through and make those arrests and a large number of those were of married men. Nor were they the cartoon of the gay men as swishes and interior decorator types. I am not sure if those men who fit the cartoon gay lifestyle were smart enough to keep their acts indoors, where nobody cared what they did or they simply went to the larger cities. I do know that as early as the mid to late 1970s the largest “gay bath house” in Dallas had a deal with the DPD, when they had to go there they would announce themselves at the entrance and the loudspeaker would ring with the call “gentlemen, the police are here” before the Officers entered. Being a hick from the sticks I never had that “pleasure”.

    At any rate, back when I had that unpleasant duty I found that there was more weeping and wailing from the arrestees for this minor crime of weenie-wagging in a public place than by the armed robbers who were facing ten to forty years in the slammer.

  • I R A Darth Aggie

    It will rid our community of these predators and ensure straight people who marry get an honest-to-goodness straight spouse who truly desires them.

    That’s just…not right. I think the term I’m looking for is non sequitor. They’re liars who tell lies. And they start by lying to themselves about whom they are.

    Or are you saying that legalizing gay marriage will suddenly cause closeted gays to come out and freely admit something they’ve been hiding from themselves and their family?

    I’m thinking no and there are always those who place their wants and desires above other people’s needs.

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