April 1, 2010 — Topeka, Kansas — Westboro Baptist Church leader, Fred Phelps, announced today at a hastily-called press conference that he is a proud gay man. Phelps’ church is infamous for its daily protests against homosexuality in its hometown of Topeka, Kansas, and across the U.S.
“I tried to hate the gay out of everyone else,” Phelps told reporters with tears streaming down his face, “but what I was really trying to do was hate the gay out of me. I told myself a thousand times a day that “God hates fags” to make myself straight. I made “God Hates Fags dot com” my church’s main domain name and its founding faith to make myself straight. I married and fathered 13 children to make myself straight. And yet still I was a fag.
“I found out that gays would counter-protest when we picketed ‘The Laramie Project’ and Gay Pride festivals.” Phelps continued, looking down and smiling through his tears. “I began to live for those days so I could gaze at those handsome men and their muscular bodies. Pride festivals were the best because so many of the men wear tight shorts and go shirtless. That’s when I would hold my protest signs at waist level so no one could see how I really felt about them. Some of the men had such a powerful effect on me that my knees would buckle. I would have to pretend I was kneeling and praying on purpose for God’s rod and staff to comfort me when all I really wanted was to press my lips against all the rods bulging in those men’s pants and feel their staffs inside me. No one ever knew the secret thrill I got from the explicit images of gay sex on our posters or why I spent so many hours alone looking at all the photos I took at Gay Pride parades and festivals.
Phelps, who is 80, told reporters that he will have to face God soon and could not go on living a lie.
“As of today,” Phelps concluded, “the Westboro Baptist Church is out of the hate business. As a sign of my contrition for all the hurt I’ve caused and the lives I’ve destroyed, I have signed over all my church’s property and assets to the Metropolitan Community Church of Topeka. I plan to spend my days volunteering for the Topeka AIDS Project and my nights learning the words to every song Judy Garland and Ethel Merman ever sang.”