Stockholm, October 12 — Nobel Committee spokesman, Torvald Helmer, announced this morning that U.S. President Barack Obama has been awarded the 2009 Nobel prize in Economics.
“First we want to beg journalists to remember the time difference between Stockholm and Washington, D.C. Please embargo this story in the U.S. until 7 am Eastern Time,” Mr. Helmer said. “We will not be responsible for the consequences if Mr. Obama gets a phone call at 3 am. However, we do know that King Faud has already hinted to Mr. Obama that buying him the Nobel Peace Prize cost so much less than King Fahd thought, getting Mr. Obama the Nobel Prize for Economics, too, was really more like getting two for the price of one. But don’t call anyway, just to be on the safe side.
“We saw Obama’s unremitting negativity toward the U.S. economy and U.S. workers during the 2008 campaign, ” Mr. Helmer continued, “He was able to make people in the land of opportunity give up their hope and self-reliance and throw themselves on the mercy of a pitiless government to save them. Never before in U.S. history has a would-be leader worked so hard to destroy the confidence of his workers in themselves. As committed socialists, we liked what we saw.
“Then, within days of Obama’s nomination,” Mr. Helmer went on, “he was able to rush through Congress a spending bill that posed as stimulus for the economy even though its real purpose was to give people false hope while lighting the fuse on a debt bomb that can destroy the U.S. economy in a matter of months. We think the impetus of this prestigious award is just what Mr. Obama needs to ram Obamacare and cap-and-trade through Congress. Let’s see where your precious liberty goes when your effective tax debt is 80 percent of your income, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Believe me, if we’d known we could use debt bombs to destroy the U.S. economy, we’d have done it long ago.”