Washington, D.C., Sept. 29 — ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis, the sole black person in the organization’s leadership, announced today that ACORN has signed a deal with film director Roman Polanski to create a new kind of daycare center at ACORN offices across the U.S.
“Thanks to those two crazy kids and their hidden video camera, we’re having to get very creative about generating revenue streams now,” Lewis said. “We’ve got a $100 million a year nut to crack. Obama, Pelosi, Reid — none of them will take my calls anymore. Congress has cut us off. We’ve been dropped by the Census and even the IRS. And now Bank of America has announced it will stop paying the protection money we charge in exchange for not harassing their bank managers at their homes. They’ve even threatened not to approve any more mortgages for our unqualified applicants. Other banks are sure to follow. And no one wants fraudulent voter registrations and tampered ballots in an off-election year.
“It doesn’t matter how many shell corporations you have for laundering money if you don’t have rivers of cash in the first place,” Lewis continued. “So when Roman Polanski came to us with his concept for day care centers with on-site pharmacies and liquor stores, we knew it was a winner from the get-go. He’s the man with the experience needed to get something like this off the ground. Our skillsets are a great match.
“Gathering prey for predators and making the prey think we’re doing them a favor have always been key parts of our core mission,” Lewis said. “Well, that and keeping the vulnerable populations we serve in a perpetual state of dependency, hopelessness and resentment. When you consider that since ACORN was founded in 1970 that we have worked night and day to bring down capitalism from a thousand different directions, is it so wrong not to want to share in the spoils just as victory is in our grasp?”
Credit: Decades ago I read an interview of Melissa Gilbert some time after the demise of “Little House on the Prairie.” She was experimenting with being a stand-up comic and one of her jokes was about being cared for as a child at “the Roman Polanski Daycare Center,” which I thought was hilarious. I have borrowed it for this post. Thanks, Ms. Gilbert. But I agree with The Feminist Texican that it is wrong for you to make excuses for Mr. Polanski now. I also agree with Little Miss Attila that Mr. Polanski should do his time.