Washington, D.C., April 1 — U.S. President Barack Obama has resigned after confessing to treason. Obama named his co-conspirators and the FBI has taken all but one into custody in undisclosed locations.
Obama told FBI investigators that his primary co-conspirators were Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn. He revealed that they have spent the last 40 years devising a master plan for collapsing the U.S. economy by overwhelming it with taxes, debt and new spending programs. Obama also named as a primary co-conspirator billionaire investor George Soros, and said that it was market manipulations by Soros that began the financial meltdown in September when Obama was trailing the McCain-Palin ticket in the polls.
So far Obama has refused to name his al Quaeda handlers, who communicated with him through the Blackberry PDA he insisted on keeping after becoming president despite warnings that no such device can be kept secure.
Obama also named as co-conspirators Vice President Joseph Biden (first in line of succession to the presidency); House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (second in line of succession to the presidency); Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid; Senate Banking Committee Chairman Christopher Dodd; Senator Robert Byrd (who is also the Senate president pro tempore and third in line of succession to the presidency); House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank; Senior Advisor David Axelrod; his former chief campaign manager, David Plouffe; and his White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel. Emanuel has disappeared and is thought to have escaped to Israel disguised as a Chasidic woman.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is fourth in the order of succession to the presidency. She was sworn in as the first woman president of the United States by Chief Justice of the United States John Roberts in a small private ceremony in the FBI Building in Washington, D.C., at 7 am this morning. Her husband, former president Bill Clinton, and daughter Chelsea Clinton, witnessed the ceremony along with all the other members of the Supreme Court and a camera crew from C-SPAN.
Members of the White House press corps refused to cover Clinton’s swearing in and instead barricaded themselves in the White House press room, sobbing and smashing furniture.
Following her swearing in, President Clinton released a statement reassuring the citizens of the United States and the world that she can “hit the ground running” and “will work to reverse the destructive policies of the Obama administration.” President Clinton also said she is putting terrorists around the world on notice that “there’s a tough new sheriff in town who is determined to keep the United States safe.”
Within five minutes of the release of Clinton’s statement, all the stock markets around the world that were open began to rise sharply. Wall Street followed suit as soon as it opened for trading.
President Clinton will address the nation for one hour tonight starting at 8 pm, ET. Her speech will be carried by ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, Fox News, CNN and PBS.
MSNBC will not carry the president’s speech and instead will air retrospectives on the careers of its news anchors Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews, who held hands and leapt from the top floor of NBC’s headquarters in New York City around 8 am. In a tragic coincidence, they landed on CBS news anchor Katie Couric and ABC news anchor Charlie Gibson. All four were declared dead at the scene.
Update: Thank you, Stephen Gordon, and welcome, readers of The Liberty Papers!
Update: Prof. William A. Jacobson has a round-up of April Fool’s news links, including this one, at his esteemed blog, Legal Insurrection.
Update: HillBuzz has seen the light about Obama and says, “He really is ‘The One’ after all.” At least for today.
Update: Thank you, Lance, and welcome readers of Troglopundit.
Update: Welcome, readers of Paco Enterprises — I love the April Fool’s post there, too!
Update: Welcome, Protein Wisdom readers and thank you, Dan, king of minimalism! How’s Annette?
Update: Michelle Malkin played a great April Fool’s prank here and asked her readers to submit theirs, and I’m one of her faithful readers, so this is mine — oh, it has been picked in Romania, or some other country with a Cyrillic alphabet (I’m not making that up).